psychology-health

Problems in marriages often arise, even in happy marriages. Jealousy has a way of interfering, and it might be due to your childhood and the parenting style you were exposed to. However, attachment styles can change. Anyone who has an unfulfilling relationship can work toward building a better one if they have a clear understanding of how their childhood relationships with their parents may have affected their adult lives.

A person who has repeatedly jumped from one relationship to another due to suspicion of their spouse’s fidelity, may find that these thoughts were unjustified and can be traced back to an anxious relationship with one or both of their parents. This type of jealousy could be seen as a defense against a person’s fear of abandonment. Mistrust is not intentionally designed to disturb the relationship, although this would be the result if accusations of infidelity were repeatedly made. Taking time to analyze one’s own childhood can offer insight into the type of relationship a person is in, and whether it can last.

If one is an anxious part of a couple, it is likely that any conflict which arises will be of a loud and boisterous nature. After a string of explosive and failed relationships, the anxious person may again resort to beginning a new relationship which is also headed for failure because their behavior has not changed. If both people in the relationship have the same anxious behaviors it is a sure recipe for impending disaster due to a lack of trust, and sadly, it may even be possible that this type of anxious relationship is doomed to have a physically violent ending.

An anxious person could also have problems in the workplace. It is possible that this person who jumps from one job to another is either afraid of commitment or so consumed by thoughts of what their spouse is doing when they are not present, that they are unable to focus on the job at hand.

Feelings of insecurity can arise due to an anxious relationship with a parent from a very young age. Even though a child loves their parent, that parent does not, or cannot, show their love in a physical manner. An adult who has experienced an avoidant relationship with one or both parents may then carry some of those insecurities with them into adulthood. This adult may see conflict arise in their relationship due to a the lack of sexual intimacy, or because of their fear of making a long term commitment because of worry about being abandoned. Often, these people are afraid to allow someone else to gain access to their feelings, or to share their concerns with their partner for fear that their actions will not be reciprocated. Therefore, they withdraw rather than making any effort.

An avoidant relationship usually sees at least one of the couple unwilling, and possibly unable to show physical affection. The avoidant adult may very well be in love with their partner, although they do not show their love by hugging and kissing their partner, or by openly expressing their love. More than likely, the avoidant behavior will be so disruptive to a person’s thoughts, that they are frightened of being abandoned and will themselves, walk away from a relationship which could have been salvaged.

Understanding the concepts of closeness, care and commitment in a relationship with an avoidant party would explain this person’s behavior to his or her partner. This understanding along with a willingness for commitment, consistency and patience could alter this avoidant behavior and help the person to become less fearful of intimacy.

One a happier note, there are those who are fortunate to have had a loving and close relationship with their parents, emotionally as well as physically. These people exhibit much more stable behavior when they are in an adult relationship. They are not afraid of physical contact, and are most likely themselves, to be the person who initiates physical affection.

The secure person is much happier because they are content to share their most intimate thoughts and feelings without the fear of being rejected. They are more likely to trust their partner and not be consumed by fear that their spouse is cheating on them. It is also highly likely that this person has also attracted another who has had the same upbringing as they have, and who feels comfortable even when each member of the party spends social time without them.

Unlike the anxious person, the secure person is probably more satisfied with their job, and does not continually leave their place of employment or get fired for becoming so distracted by their personal life that they cannot think clearly at work.

Showing love and affection for a child comes naturally to most people, but sadly there are those who have not been afforded the same in their own childhood. With therapy, it is possible to break this vicious cycle, and to become the ideal parent who is loving and nurturing and able to raise a child who eventually grows into a secure and loving spouse and parent themselves.

Loving relationships can be hard work, and finding love is not always easy. Different combinations of several ingredients such as passion, intimacy and commitment are needed to form relationships, but these elements are not always present simultaneously.

Some types of relationships may have two of these components, while others have only one. Consummate love, which has all three elements, is considered to be the most sought after kind of love, particularly in Western society.

When intimacy is the only part of a relationship, it can mean that the people involved are merely friends who share their private thoughts rather than having a romantic relationship. Passion alone refers to sexual intimacy, and two people can be sexually intimate without being in love. Adolescents sometime claim to have fallen in love at first sight when passion is the only driving force of the relationship. However, when passion is coupled with sharing intimate thoughts and feelings unrelated to sex, it could be said that the couple are in love and not just physically attracted to one another. This romantic type of love is a more harmonious blend of both elements, and can help to form the foundation of a long term relationship.

Commitment is the key ingredient for successful long term relationships. Commitment and passion combined can result in fatuous love, and a couple involved in this type of relationship can expect longevity if some level of intimacy has a chance to develop. Intimacy here, is the missing ingredient, and although these marriages have been known to last, people may be likely to turn to another person outside the marriage if it is not part of the formula.

Commitment and intimacy can describe a couple who have spent a considerable amount of time together, and who possibly share children, but the level of romance has tapered off and they behave more like very close and committed friends. At times, commitment is the only element left in a relationship, where a couple may have grown apart over many years and lost both intimacy and passion, but stay together because of other family obligations.

Understanding the true meaning of passion, intimacy and commitment can help couples determine what their relationship may be lacking and help them identify areas of weakness which will become the focus of rescuing their relationship.

Self help therapy for motivation, depression and anxiety is great, but before you surf to Amazon to buy a library of self-help books and tapes, it is crucial to gain a better understanding of what kind of person you are.

Let us begin by examining the meaning of autonomy; not a word everyone is familiar with, but we all have it, to varying degrees. A person’s level of autonomy decides whether or not they take charge of their life, and make the choice to change something about it, or whether to sit on their hands and suffer in circumstances that are unfavorable to them.

Low level autonomy is when one finds themselves fired from a job for underachieving, but rather than spend that same afternoon looking for a new job, they go home, open a bag of chips and turn on the television, while they brood about the bad hand they were dealt.

In contrast, a person with a high level of autonomy visits their local employment office, catches up with someone who owes them a professional favor, or submits their resume online that afternoon to 18 different companies.

Low levels of autonomy are also bad for physical health. Someone who resigns themselves to the fact that pure bad luck has placed them into a situation, is far more likely to become stressed, depressed, have a run down immune system and become physically ill. However, the same person decided they were not suited to a job from which they were let go, will try everything he can to ‘manually’ change his situation, and as a result will not suffer the mental and physical distress of his counterpart.

What do you do in a tough situation? Do you resign yourself to thinking it is all someone else’s fault, and that your life is in under the control of a greater power? Or, do you take charge and attempt to make things better for yourself and your family because you know you can?